Some fellow Americans recently asked me what should be done to prepare for a move to Germany. Well, when you move to Germany everything is going to be strange and new. You will probably be overwhelmed with curiosity about this new environment but because of your inability to speak the language, you will be unable to ask any questions. Maddening! My advice: learn how to ask some common questions in German before you make the move. This will give you a head start on curing yourself of the crippling ignorance from which you and all the Germans you encounter will suffer. Here are some common questions that will pop up in your English speaking head that you could memorize in Deutsch before moving here:
“What is in this meat?”
“How did you make that sound with your mouth?”
“Can my dog shit here and if it does do I have to pick it up?”
If you have small, outgoing children you could teach them how to ask that last, potentially embarrassing, question. Or any potentially embarrassing question:
“How much does this cost?”
“May I sample your grapes?”
“Do you have any soft toilet paper?”
If you are wise and literate you might want to familiarize yourself with German culture by reading a book. Then you will probably have different questions. Complicated questions composed of one long multi-gendered compound German word that could fracture your yankee larynx during pronunciation. Enjoy.
If you are like me, better at watching movies than reading, then you should prepare for your journey as I did- by watching every Hollywood war movie you can get your hands on. Your war movie background will give you a more informed level of curiosity, but you will need to adjust your questions-to-memorize-in-Deutsch list accordingly. Some suggested questions for those with Hollywood History backgrounds:
“Where did all the barbwire go?”
“Can this little bridge support a panzer tank?”
“Was that steeple a sniper position?”
“Is that a natural pond or did a bomb make that?”
As an added benefit, your WWII Movie knowledge will make your expectations of the German people very easy to exceed. Don’t be thrown off guard when every person you meet is nicer than they were in the movies. There will be other jarring differences as well. The people actually wear a wide variety of clothing. Their fashion sense goes well beyond military uniforms. Helmets and armbands apparently are passé. They drive smaller vehicles, very few of which are green or armored, and roughly half of the adults are women.
By the way- You THINK you can say German names but you can’t. Dirk is pronounced Dee-yah-ue-eer-uck. I am not kidding.
As a final note. Our German neighbors are great. Their country is beautiful. The food is delicious. The history is amazing. I am looking forward to visiting friends in Essen this weekend and my comedy show next weekend. More later
Bis balt- or Bis July actually.
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