Sometime during the last year our Scottish Terrier started peeing in our house. Her favorite target is a large and absorbent oriental that lays in front of the TV. I should clarify. By Oriental, I mean the politically correct term for a rug, not a member of the Asian race. We aren’t exactly sure when she started peeing in our Deutschland house. It seems a slow and constant project she chips away at when home alone. What ever it is, sitting around the house is no longer boring, it’s intolerable. We’ve gone from catching random whiffs of stale urine, to catching random whiffs of fresh air, to catching our breath every time we enter the living room.
Normally, this is a problem we can live with for years but my brother and sister in law were due to arrive for a visit, so I rented a steam-cleaning machine. A mere 60 euros and five hours of manual labor later and VOILA!!! The combination of steam, stale dog urine and German carpet cleaner transformed our cheap oriental rug into a giant nursing-home scented air de-freshner conveniently activated by humidity and/or foot traffic.
I blame the German carpet cleaner. Germans are very careful about the chemicals they use to clean. And by careful, I mean they use very few chemicals when they clean. As a result, the average German public restroom smells as bad as the average American public restroom looks. I’ve lost count of the number of times its happened. The moment I enter the public restroom my nose screams “don’t breath!” then sends my eyes on a wild goose chase looking for the source of the stench. Maybe a cow carcass or a bucket of turds. But all my eyes find is a room that looks as if it it has been prepped for surgery.
It’s disturbing and annoying. I’m not used to the German mixed message of sight and smell. I’m used to the completely opposite American mixed message of sight and smell. I A bathroom that looks like your uncle’s colonoscopy footage, but yet smells citrusy. I’m an American. I’m more comfortable sitting bare butt and pants down in a crap-spattered room that smells like lemons.
Back to the rug. There is a silver lining to our urine fume-cloud. It provided us the motivation to go out and see some sights. Its kind of sad that it takes a urine fume-cloud and family visitors to make us get out of the house.
- MarktPlatz in Tübingen Aldstadt
Stop number one on our road trip was Tübingen. A charming old city with a beautiful altstadt, or old town center. Unlike many German cities, Tübingen looks as old as it actually is because it lost only one building during WWII. According to local legend, somebody accidentally dropped a bomb out of a plane. I wonder how they knew it was an accident? Maybe they heard the crew yelling ‘Sorry’ out of the bomb-bay doors.
Tübingen, like most German cities, has an old church that everyone visits but nobody attends. Old European churches are charming, even awe-inspiring and always a little morbid.
- Window at St. George Collegiate Church in Tübingen
Above, you see a window from the Stuftskirche or St. Georges Church in Tübingen. Yes, that is a man woven into the spokes of a wheel.
“Is he a contortionist?” you ask.
Yes. However, he got his contortionist skill not by stretching regularly, but rather from having a civil servant break every bone in his body…probably broken with the very same wheel into which his body is woven.
“But doesn’t that hurt?” you ask.
Only until you die.
What amazes me is that somebody thought this was a nice design fort a church window. Most biker bars would pass on this thing, but not a church in 15th century Europe.
It makes me wonder what sort of conversation preceded this interior design decision:
“Remember last year, when we had to break all of that heretics’ bones, and weave his body into that wheel? It was so beautiful! And it reminded me of St. Stephen! Maybe it would be a nice touch to have a sculpture of a dead man woven into the spokes of a wheel in the window!? Then during church people would look up, see his body all twisted and broken in the wheel and think…wow….Jesus is a really nice guy!”
Next Stop – Heidelberg
I can’t believe I haven’t heard of you before. Just saw your show on new years eve in Mpls, then had to check out your web site.
You should do a travel show like Rick Steves, but your way, it would be way better. Well thats my million $ idea for you.
Good Luck
Comment by Gene Tomas — January 2, 2012 @ 4:23 pm
I saw you the other night in SLC with Izzy’s friend Chyna’s family. You’re the funniest comic I’ve ever seen, and I laughed so hard I almost peed in mi pantelones at the end of your act.
Comment by Gina — January 7, 2012 @ 6:46 pm
Glad I almost made you join me at the threshold of incontinence.
Comment by Bengt Washburn — January 11, 2012 @ 2:27 pm